1. The Smart Dog I told my dog, “Fetch my shoes.” He brought me my credit card. Guess he thinks I need a new pair.
2. Salad Diet I tried eating only salad for a week. Now I just dream of pizza… in 4K resolution.
3. Morning Motivation I woke up early to exercise. Then I realized… sleeping burns calories too.
4. Relationship Math Her: “It’s me or the game.” Me: Starts a new save file.
5. Coffee Addiction My blood type is now officially: C++ (Coffee Plus Plus).
6. Gym Membership I’ve had a gym membership for 6 months. So far, I’ve lost… about $180.
7. Phone Battery My phone battery lasts longer than my last relationship. Sad, but also… impressive.
8. Smart Fridge Got a smart fridge. It sends me notifications… to stop opening it every 5 minutes.
9. Alarm Clock I set 5 alarms every morning. I wake up at the 6th — when my mom screams.
10. Work from Home Boss: “Are you working?” Me: “Yes.” Also me: muted microphone, eating noodles.
11. Wi-Fi Issues My love is like my Wi-Fi. Strong when I’m close… weak when I’m far.
12. Ice Cream Logic Calories don’t count… If you eat the ice cream while standing.
13. Pet Cat I bought my cat a fancy bed. She sleeps in the box it came in.
14. Lazy Cooking Tried to cook pasta… Accidentally invented “pasta soup.”
15. Online Shopping Ordered running shoes online. Now they’re sitting at home… just like me.
16. Self-Control I’ll start my diet tomorrow. Tomorrow has been rescheduled for… next week.
17. Fast Food Speed Me: “One burger, please.” Cashier: “Will that be for here or to go?” Me: “Yes.”
18. Programmer Life I don’t need a therapist. I have Stack Overflow.
19. Memory Problems I was going to clean my room… But I forgot where I put the motivation.
20. Online Meetings “Can you hear me now?” — The soundtrack of 2020 to forever.